So I’ve been thinking about how I’m awesome and all and how not many people are. Not that they can’t or they’re just predisposed to being lame and unfunny for the rest of their lives, no, I think it’s because those poor socially incompetent people were just never shown the way. Don’t cry anymore my loves, I am here to fix it. I will save you from your boring sheep personality. No, shhhh, shhh, you’re welcome.
Tip number one
Get a Mohawk. Mohawks are the greatest hair style ever created. They are the rebels of the hair world. Those shaved sides say hey world, fuck you I’m awesome. Take my 1-4inches wide hair and suck it! Suck my big mohawked balls. I am sexy and don’t need your hair restraining rules!
Note – this is not to be confused with the faux-hawk. The faux-hawk is for pussies. It says hey world, I’m trying really hard to be badass but am too much of a fucking pansy to really go through with such a drastic change, I mean, my hair is serious business and omg what if people saw me they’d think I was some kind of freak and oh that would be just awful. Fuck you faux-hawk guy, you look like a tool and will never be as awesome as I am.
Tip number two
Get a theme song. Themes songs are handy musical selections that let everyone know right away what you’re all about. Picture this, everyone is keeping to themselves, probably waiting for something like standing in line at the bank or sitting in a classroom when all of a sudden a beat slices through the air. A music beat not the vegetable beet, in case you’re an idiot who can’t spell but has a great imagination. The pulse goes for a few moments and everyone’s like WTF/OMG IS THERE A BOMB OR SOMETHING?!!?! And then right as the intro picks up, you burst through preferably double doors and sing/dance a beautiful and complicated routine. Hopefully with some dancing on tables or counters or grocery register belts and waving arm movements and spins. Lots of spins. And it’s grand and epic and everyone is like holy shit! That guy is AWESOME!
Tip number three
Educate yourself. You can’t be awesome if you’re a dummy. Unless you’re an actual dummy which is pretty awesome but then you are probably illiterate and so this would be pointless for you. But if you’re a flesh and blood person with the capacity for speech and critical thinking, un-dummify yourself. Read Twilight so your anti-twilight arguments hold more weight. Study the dictionary so you can litter your sentences with long smart-people words. Get the answers from the back of the book. Stick to uncommon or unheard of topics so no one can really say anything and you come out sounding like a genius.
Tip number four
Get a super power. I know this one is tricky, but if you can somehow manage to gain a magical power, no matter how useless it may be, it is an automatic Awesome. I have been trying (and by trying I mean sitting in the living/computer room and thinking gee I wish I had magic powers) for a very long time and have thus far been unsuccessful in my endeavor. But when I do get them, because someday I will, I will not tell you. Really how stupid do you think I am? You will never learn my secret! I will be magical and you will not and I will rule all. YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!!!!
Tip number five
Be awesome. Okay so the last tip on how to be awesome being ‘be awesome’ is kind of redundant, I realize this. But honestly, it’s true. No one can tell you you’re awesome. You have to BELIEVE it. You have to know it yourself. Take me for example, I am pretty fucking awesome, but did someone tell me this? Not really no, at least not in a way I sincerely believed. I discovered my brilliance on my own. Now, my mother will probably have a fit over that, but honestly everyone with a mother knows you never believe what they tell you, not all the way. You could be the biggest douche alive and your mother would still think you’re an angel of awesomeness.
Tricky.
So, to recap… Mohawks are awesome, faux-hawks are ridiculous, theme songs work better if you have tables to dance upon, read twilight, prepare for my onslaught of lovebunnies, be awesome, not that it will help you from the impending fluffy doom.
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