I do not enjoy throwing up.
I don’t know anyone who really does, but I especially don’t.
My morning started out fairly normally, felt a little off but hey that’s normal I’d-kick-a-baby-to-go-back-to-sleep-right-now morning feelings. Got on the computer and ate some of my Sunflower Market knock-off oreos. Newman-O’s Hint O’ Mint flavor. It’s got that creepy farmer couple on the package, you know the guy with the pitch fork and the woman who really needs to get laid. You know the one. I think in the painting it was modeled after a farmer and his daughter. Talk about scarred for live. For her sake I hope no one really looked at American Gothic until they were long dead and rotting. Ew. So, I’m eating these farmy-incestuous oreo imposters and they’re a little too crumbly. Perhaps a tad stale. Fuck it, I’m poor and can’t afford to be picky about my breakfast foods. But apparently I should be because the baby-kicking feeling quickly grew into real stomach ache-ness and my poor gag reflex just wasn’t cooperating with the teeth brushing and then there I was hugging Lovebunny’s toilet and dry-heaving for the next 30 minutes. My tortured stomach did eventually get some of the conniving monstrous cookies up and out but not without some imaginative thinking on my part. Mostly remembering The Human Centipede. Does anyone else do that? Think awful vomit-worthy thoughts when you feel sick, just to make the process go a little faster? I do. Obviously. And it worked. And it was disgusting.
So apart from feeling slightly queasy all day, it wasn’t so terrible. We did get pizza. Because even though I still felt nauseous, I’d much rather have thrown up pizza than ramen. Which is what I had intended to eat. Oh this is the scary part! Sorry, I’m watching Buffy and I love this episode, but it’s one of the creepier ones. When everyone loses their voices and the spooky metal-teeth guys, the gentlemen, float around with their awesome music and I should really find this song for my ipod. This is when Tara is really introduced too. And the great Willow/Tara Lesbian!Love!Affair! kicks off and it’s so romantic and sweet and not at all as pornographic as one would hope. Alas, the restrictions of same-sex loving on television. You can see Buffy and Spike rutting away like animals but all Willow gets is some flirty looks and an innocent hand graze. I love this show. Speaking of shows…
On this site, I could update my profile and the last tab was a random question that I would supposedly answer in the wittiest way I could think of. I chose the fish one, if you’ve looked, and I hope my answer lives up to all the expectations you have for me. But another question I saw and regretfully skimmed over without fully thinking of the endless possibilities for which to form my answer was something about ‘what’s the latest you’ve stayed up watching cartoons and what did you see?’. A silly question in all honesty, I mean, really how interesting could that be? But then I remembered the night me and Lovebunny were watching tv until about 5am in the morning. It might be a stretch but I’m sure before that I was watching Adult Swim until it turns into AnimePorn. So when whatever show had ended and we were clicking through searching for something other than informercials and old 80’s sitcoms, we came across the Oxygen network. Notoriously a women’s channel. Specifically, a middle-aged cat lady channel. And there moving across the screen in the hands of the two lovely display girls, because this was definitely an infomercial, was the scariest dildo I’d ever seen. This… thing… was horrific. Possibly 13 inches long, 13 INCHES!!! WHY GOD WHY?!!?! And ugly and huge and bright glittery blue with all sorts of ridges and Merlin it was TERRIFYING! Lovebunny and I sat there in a sort of flabbergasted, petrified state just staring at these sexual horror toys from hell. We probably watched for half an hour. As disturbing as it was, I was almost… in awe. Who knew that the seemingly obnoxious Oxygen network turned into old annie’s sexy playground after 430am? I didn’t and I bet you didn’t either. Not all of it was frightening, they still had some normal vibrators and phallus shaped goodies and even some canned vaginas on there but yes, most of it had my eyes glued to the screen in fear, my thighs clamped together with all their cheeseburger strength. But in a way, as I said, a little awed, I admire you Oxygen channel. I admire your balls. For advertising the underground world of sex toys for women. It’s not something to be ashamed of and if men can have their porn and blow-up dolls then women should get their kicks too. So thank you, Oxygen for giving us the option. And for scaring the shit out of me.
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